I wrote this post three years ago to the day. As I read through it, I just kept thinking about how much has happened in these three short years. So much more pain; so much more joy. And maybe I didn't fully understand God's goodness then, in my heart. But I knew truth. And you know what? That truth carried me through even more dark times when I didn't feel it in my heart. I had no idea what was to come three years ago. And I have no idea what more will come in the next three years. But what I do know, is that God has never left me. This truth carried me until I could see the real, gracious and GOOD Father that He is, TODAY. And it will continue to carry me tomorrow.
It's been a year, friends. Here is what life is looking like these days:
We are doing well. Our daughter is one and our son is 4. My heart hurts when I write those ages because it feels as though time is flying by entirely too quick. But I am overwhelmed with gratitude and am filled with humble awe at the gift of having two healthy, loving babes.
I do not take this for granted.
To be honest, I sat down to write with a heavy heart. So many things on my mind and so many feelings this morning. The Lord gave me some quiet time and it feels like I couldn't open my computer and dust off this old blog fast enough.
On the night of my daughter's first birthday, the kids were tucked into bed and I found myself turning on the TV to zone out the melancholy feelings. Thoughts of the party being over and venturing off to elle's 16th birthday, when she gets married, my babies leaving the nest. She's one and I am dramatic. There's really no other excuse. However the movie, "John Q" was on. I love that movie. Somehow watching that movie after being a mom has rocked me to the core. If you haven't seen it, it's about a father, John, who is trying to get his son on the heart donor's list at the hospital. His son was dying and no one was helping. So he took matters into his own hands and took the hospital and doctors hostage until someone would put his son on the donor's list for a new heart. *spoiler alert- It eventually escalades into this scene where the father insists on killing himself so that the doctors would take his heart and put it in his son's body.
I just sobbed as I watched it. As a mom, it grips me in a way that I "get it" at the most honest and vulnerable level. When I think about my friends who are going through such horrific and devastating real life nightmares- miscarriages, to heart defects, to news of even the possibility of their child not surviving- they get it more. And it is heart-literally, breaking. My chest hurts as I write it. Why do these things exist? Where is God? Isn't that our real question?
But to be honest, I was sobbing at this part not just because the thought of silas and elle- but because of what my heavenly father has stepped in and done in my life. As a college freshmen, my heart was in shambles. A rape that stole my voice and gutted me from the inside out. A lifelong venture of filling my life with anything just to numb pains that led to a lifeless body. My heavenly father stood and yelled "accept what? No I don't accept that, EVER. No I reject that.... maybe you don't understand what i'm talking about, my daughter is going to live, maybe you haven't figured that out by now, i'll do whatever I got to do in order for her to live." (John Q reference)
Or in his more literal words, "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." romans 5:6-8
" who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "for your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." romans 8:35-39
And here I sit sobbing. In thankfulness and awe over My father who loves me and fights for me in this way. And not only for me, but my sweet friends who are going through these heart-gutting trials. For their sweet babes who are living and for their sweet babes who have gone home to Jesus. To my college girls who are learning how deep our Father loves us and that at the root of it all, nothing else matters. As one wrecked person to another, whether we are crawling or running in life, our Good God has chosen us and and is carrying us through this life that is flawed and in need of a rescuer. Do we realize we need to be rescued? Because I can't get this image of him grabbing us up in the midst of our crawl, in the midst of the hard and bad stuff... running as fast as he can, carrying us through the storm and covering our heads.
"You are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his TREASURED POSSESSION. The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other people. You were the fewest of all people. But because he LOVED YOU and kept the oath he swore to your ancestors and brought you out with a MIGHTY hand and REDEEMED you from the land of slavery, from the power of pharoah, king of egypt. Know therefore, that the Lord your God is GOD. He is the FAITHFUL GOD. Keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments." deuteronomy 7:6-9
We are chosen. We are His treasured possession. Just because he loves us, no other reason. He redeemed us from our lives of slavery. He is faithful. He will never divorce us. Our great rescuer. Not only forever to be with him in heaven, but even in the midst of hardship here on this earth. He is with us in our darkest places and in our darkest moments, holding us tightly in his grasp.
Oh i hope you needed to hear this today as much as I did.
"Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:3-4
To my daughter on her first birthday:
elle, The same God who loved the israelites and brought them out of slavery, is the same God who loves you and has carried you since you were in my womb. He is the one who fights for you and stands there saying "no, my daughter is going to live." He is all that matters, my love. Through all of the uncertainties and trials in life- He is the only constant. And He is a good, strong, never failing, never giving up constant.